


Miller's Maxi Buns

by aireyv



Category: Kitchen Nightmares RPF, Metal Gear
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, EVA is mentioned, Gen, antisocial kitchen staff, attempted arson, this is just how kitchen staff are in real life tho, violations of food safety laws
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:28:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21879628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aireyv/pseuds/aireyv
Summary: Gordon Ramsay visits Miller's Maxi Buns in X City, Y State. Runtime 44 minutes.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 27
Collections: 2019 Xmas Supply Drop!





	Miller's Maxi Buns

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hingabee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hingabee/gifts).



> for the Kitchen Nightmares prompt. this was somehow not as dumb as I was originally planning so I hope it's still ok :/

TONIGHT ON KITCHEN NIGHTMARES… GORDON RAMSAY IS IN X CITY, Y STATE, TO HELP SAVE MILLER’S MAXI BUNS FROM ITS EXPLOSIVE STAFF.

“I ⬛️⬛️⬛️ing hate dealing with customers,” Mantis, a waiter, says to the camera.

THE RESTAURANT’S OWNER IS A LOCAL LEGEND FOR HIS HAMBURGERS - BUT THE RESTAURANT BEARING HIS NAME FAILS TO LIVE UP TO HIS FAME.

Kaz sits at the desk in the office with his head in his hands. The cameraman takes special note of the fact that his right arm is prosthetic - and there’s a cane leaning against the wall behind him.

WILL HE BE FORCED TO SHUT DOWN HIS LIFE’S WORK? OR CAN CHEF RAMSAY TURN THINGS AROUND?

In a moderately sized American every-town, Japanese immigrant Kazuhira Miller sought to fulfill the American dream. He was introduced to hamburgers by his American father. With the help of his old business partner, Miller’s Maxi Buns became a quick hit.

“Yeah, I miss having Code Talker around,” Kaz says. “Nobody else really understood my vision like he did.”

“He was over a hundred years old when you started this place,” the manager, Ocelot, says. “I’m surprised he didn’t die in the restaurant itself.”

“I couldn’t stand to see this place go down. I rallied everyone I knew to help out. …that backfired.”

“Americans are too entitled and demanding,” the head chef Liquid grouches, “there are so many people out there who complain about their meals just to try to get some free food! I’ll die before I comp anything.”

“Here we are, then,” Chef Ramsay says to the camera outside of the door, his hands in his pockets. “A classic American burger dive. All the locals say it was the best place around until recently. Well, let’s see what changed.”

He walks into the restaurant and is greeted by the hostess, Naomi. Immediately he knows something is wrong: Naomi isn’t even putting on a fake customer service smile. She just looks like she doesn’t want to be here.

“Table for one?” she says, sounding very bored and completely ignoring the TV cameras behind Chef Ramsay. “Yeah, just go right over there.”

“Over here?” Chef Ramsay says, walking over to the table she pointed at.

“Close enough.”

Chef Ramsay gives the camera a perplexed look. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a hostess so impersonal,” he says, “she could have at least shown me to my seat.”

Thankfully, the waiter soon shows up. Even though it seems to be the trend on this show, not every restaurant keeps Chef Ramsay waiting for long — at least, to start with. “Hello,” Chef Ramsay greets the waiter.

“Hi. My name’s Raiden.”

“Raiden — have you been working here long?”

Raiden shakes his head. “I got hired here because I know a guy in the kitchen.”

“You’re friends with the chef, perhaps?”

“The porter, Solidus. And I wouldn’t really call us ‘friends’. Umm, anyway… do you know what you want to order, or do you need some time?”

“What would you recommend?” Chef Ramsay says, looking at the menu. It’s small and specialized, which is a good sign.

“Geez, I dunno. Anything but the Chemical Burger.”

“The- what?”

“Don’t even ask…”

“I think I’ll have one of those,” Chef Ramsays says, handing the menu back to Raiden. Raiden grimaces, but heads off to the kitchen. “That was ominous,” Chef Ramsay says to the camera.

“I have the order from Chef Ramsay,” Raiden says, walking into the kitchen.

“I can’t believe that you got to serve him instead of me,” Octopus, another waiter, who is hanging out in the kitchen on his phone. “I want him to sign my chest.”

“I don’t think he’ll do that,” Meryl says. She’s the fourth server at Miller’s Maxi Buns, and like Octopus she isn’t actually working and instead browsing social media on her phone. Mantis is nowhere to be seen.

“What does he want?” Snake, Liquid’s twin brother and sous chef, asks Raiden.

“The Chemical Burger.”

“Oh god.”

“It makes for good TV, right?” Otacon says, preparing to toast some buns.

“There’s nothing wrong with the Chemical Burger,” Liquid says stubbornly. He begins making it; he takes the patty out of an unrefrigerated container, which the camera zooms in on slowly.

Miller’s Maxi Buns couldn’t be discounted for service. Chef Ramsay’s Chemical Burger gets out to him fast — almost _too_ fast, even considering how empty the rest of the diner is. “Thank you,” Chef Ramsay says, unperturbed, as Raiden puts down his plate.

“I’ll, uh, be right over there if you need me to take it back,” Raiden says, gesturing to the bar. The bartender (Quiet) smiles and waves at Chef Ramsay. He smiles and waves back. The bottles on the shelf behind Quiet’s head are expensive and high-quality liquors, but they seem to be for display only; the only alcohol listed on the menu had been cheap!

With Raiden gone, Chef Ramsay takes a look at the Chemical Burger. “What the ⬛️⬛️⬛️…?” he mutters. It’s strange-looking. Somebody obviously had attempted to toast the bun, but it looks and feels more like slightly melted plastic. He picks up a fork and knife and begins to dissect the burger. The further he gets into, the more horrified he is. “What the ⬛️⬛️⬛️ is this? I’ve never seen beef this color!” He calls Raiden over.

“I’m really sorry,” Raiden says before Chef Ramsay can say anything, “I can get the cooks to make you something else.”

“Do you know what this is made out of? The menu said this is a beef patty, but it looks very off.”

Raiden shrugs. “I know there’s beef _in_ it. I can go ask the chef for you.”

“No… I’ll ask myself in a bit. Thank you.”

Chef Ramsay spears a bit of burger on his forked and lifts it to smell it. He makes a face. “⬛️⬛️⬛️ing disgusting, it smells like the bottom of a grease trap at a bleach factory,” he explains. “I suppose that’s why they call it the Chemical Burger.”

He attempts to eat it. He is unable to swallow.

Chef Ramsay calls everyone in for a meeting in the kitchen. The serving staff look appropriately ashamed, but the kitchen crew is defiant.

“The Chemical Burger is a huge leap in burger technology,” Liquid explains.

“What the ⬛️⬛️⬛️ are you talking about?” Chef Ramsay says.

“It’s how Code Talker and I invented it,” Kaz says. “We were out of the country and wanted a way to recreate the classic American burger. We got the flavor down pat with chemicals.”

“So when I asked earlier if the burger was beef— how much of it is additives? What are you ⬛️⬛️⬛️ing feeding your customers??”

“It focus-tested better than my other ideas,” Kaz says defensively.

“It also has so many preservatives that it doesn’t need to be refrigerated,” Snake supplies, trying to help. He shows Chef Ramsay the container of patties that they had just used to make his burger.

Chef Ramsay’s eyes bug out of his head. “WHAT??”

“It was specifically developed for areas without refrigeration!” Kaz says. “It’s perfectly safe, it’s been approved by the FDA!”

“Besides, I cook it so well that there wouldn’t be any bacteria left anyway,” Liquid says haughtily.

“That’s not how ⬛️⬛️⬛️ing bacteria ⬛️⬛️⬛️ing work!” Chef Ramsay yells. “You’re going to ⬛️⬛️⬛️ing kill someone, you donkey!”

“You watch it or it just might be you, you ⬛️⬛️⬛️!!”

“If you went to jail for murder then it just might improve this ⬛️⬛️⬛️ place!Does anyone in this ⬛️⬛️⬛️ing kitchen know how to cook?!”

Snake and Otacon both refuse to answer. The other line cook, Wolf, finally wanders into the kitchen, high on pentazemin. She is still able to read the atmosphere and decides to stay silent.

“Most of the plates that go out come back to me with food still on them,” the dishwasher, Raven, rumbles.

“Good!” Chef Ramsay says, “it’s better for the customer’s health that way!”

“Who _really_ comes out to eat _burgers_ if they’re concerned about their health?” Mantis says.

“Do we have to shut down?” Meryl says, “I don’t want to lose my job.”

“I’ve sunk too much money into this place,” Kaz says.

“I’ll burn this place to the ground before I let a bloody reality TV show win,” Liquid declares, and throws the fire extinguisher out the window.

The police are called.

Snake has to go bail out his brother; the rest of the staff heads home for the day, except for Kaz and Ocelot. Chef Ramsay sits down with them.

“This place is a disaster,” he says firmly. “There’s no sanitary standards and your food is disgusting. It didn’t used to be like this, did it?”

“Things were fine when I was doing the cooking myself,” Kaz says. “But it’s been too difficult for me to do that anymore.” The camera zooms in on his prosthetic again. “I needed help, but nobody I know knows how to cook. I thought they’d get past the learning curve, but…”

“But they’re all idiots,” Ocelot finishes for him.

Chef Ramsay gives Ocelot an unimpressed look. “Why don’t _you_ do the cooking, then?”

“I’m too busy to.”

“Busy? Running this restaurant is your _job_. The quality and safety of the food you’re serving to your _customers_ should be your first priority.”

“I’m just trying to stop this place from losing too much money.”

“There’s a reason why we haven’t been able to send our cooks to culinary classes,” Kaz says.

“You don’t need culinary classes to know how to cook a good burger,” Chef Ramsay says, “especially if you have someone else to show you how to do it. Have you ever just taken a day off to really _teach_ your cooks your own techniques?”

“…no.”

“Well, before you do that, your whole menu needs to be redeveloped. You need new recipes.” Chef Ramsay places a menu on the table between them. “You have some good ideas - such as this lamb burger, a unique take on a classic. There’s a lot of potential here. But what people want is _fresh_ food, not additives. The flavor should come from your ingredients, not chemicals. If you want to imitate a cheap, greasy dive somewhere, then that’s all your restaurant will ever be.”

“This restaurant is more than that,” Kaz says.

“Then _cook_ like it!”

Chef Ramsay’s team works throughout the night to revamp Miller’s Maxi Buns. They give it a nostalgic, 50’s-inspired look, to balance out the fresh menu. Kaz’s recipes have been changed so that their focus is on additive-free locally sourced meat, acquired fresh each morning. The next morning, everyone is ready to go for the grand reopening. Wolf is sober. Quiet is finally able to serve fancy cocktails. Liquid has a court date in a few weeks but is here and is somehow able to tolerate Kaz suddenly giving instructions instead of holing up in his office.

“It’s because he’s on thin ice with our mother after getting arrested for threatening arson,” Snake explains.

“Shut _up_ ,” Liquid yells at him from across the kitchen.

Chef Ramsay throws the entire leftover stock of Chemical Burger patties in the dumpster outside, and a single tear rolls down Kaz’s cheek. The restaurant opens.

“Welcome to Miller’s Maxi Buns,” Naomi says to the first customers. She still has resting ⬛️⬛️⬛️-face but Ocelot is making her be more polite now. “Please follow me to your seats.”

“It’s the same burgers as before,” Meryl explains to the diners at her table, “but we’ve changed the recipes to focus on all-natural organic foods.”

“No, we don’t serve the Chemical Burger anymore,” Mantis says to his table. “The county was going to get wind of it.”

“I recommend the lamb burger,” says Raiden, who finally has something he can recommend in good faith.

In the kitchen, things are running smoothly. Nobody in there still knows how to cook per se, but they’re good at following instructions and Liquid has something to prove to both Kaz and Chef Ramsay.

“We need to find something to do with this cotton candy machine,” Wolf says thoughtfully. “Perhaps we should make a dessert burger.”

“I’m not really sure why we didn’t have one in the first place,” Otacon replies, “like, why on _earth_ were we putting cotton candy on the lamb burger in the first place?”

“To make it look like a sheep.”

“That’s… I’m glad we got on this show.”

“Your grand reopening went fantastic,” Chef Ramsay says at the end of the night. “But whether or not your team can keep this up will be up to you. They only worked well tonight because they had something to prove.”

“I know,” Kaz says. “I’d feel bad replacing them, though. They all pulled together for me when I needed them most.”

“Just teaching them how to cook won’t help. _Some_ of them need ⬛️⬛️⬛️ing therapy.”

“You think I should just fire them?”

“A restaurant is a business, not your family,” Chef Ramsay advises. “You have to do what’s best for your restaurant. If you can change your recipes, you can change your staff.”

“I see… I understand what you’re talking about,” Kaz says. “I’ll think about it.”

“Well, good luck.” They shake hands.

Miller’s Maxi Buns shuts down permanently within six months after the manager embezzles every last penny and relocates to Russia. Fortunately, Kaz recoups his losses by selling the formula to the Chemical Burger to an international relief organization. Pax Hamburgana reigns. There will not be a follow-up episode.


End file.
